I once went to this wedding where I did more hanging around the food bar than socializing, and happened to be right at the ready when they set out the coffee & tea bits; some suited fella set a plateful of Mighty Leaf teas right in front of me, and, knowing these lovelies go for nearly $20 a box, I naturally knicked a couple for a pick-me-up at a later date.
Today is that day, and while the steaming London Fog I made is certainly lovely… it’s not magical, and thus, melancholy I remain.
It is very very early right now; still dark, and being a holiday, most everyone is still sleeping. I should be, and would be, were it not for my internal self loathing, self destructive alarm.
I miss my child, dear friends, and even as I write that I know it’s both the biggest understatement of the year and the oldest story in the book.
I laid awake for an hour, trying to sort a way that I can see/have her before I go flying on Tuesday. Bottom line; it’s not doable.
Nature has conspired against me; I tried to do the right thing, leaving her with BD on Boxing Day to fly home solo and give her some rest & time with family, and my busted up back a couple days of much needed rest too. I’d planned two days of in-bed-with-books-and-movies (and no bending or lifting whatsover) to recuperate; imagine my surprise when, five minutes into this plan my ‘sore throat’ becomes wildly painful, massive, pussing tonsils rendering me unable to swallow; enter, Tonsillitis! And just try to find an open Walk-In during the holidays. So my two days of bed became two days of clinic hopping. (We’re closed. We’re full. Doc’s in surgery. Come back in six hours. Etc.)
By the good grace of God the anti-biotic took effect fast, and after four days of seriously next to no food or water, I tentatively started eating, and, hallelujah, resting.
But now Piglet has taken ill. She’s vomited in the night and has the squirts, BD tells me, and while I once would have said there’s nothing worse than your child being sick, there’s nothing worse than your child being sick while you’re not there.
I fucking hate this child sharing bit. I hate it. I’ve been so focused on being good and fair and looking out for the best interest of everyone except for me, I’ve run myself into the ground as a result. After this week of sickness and tomorrow’s pairing, I’ll have gone for a 12 day stint without seeing Piglet. How. Is. This. Possible.
After realizing this in bed this morning, (insert pathetic sob scene) I got up, (anti-biotic, swallow, anti-inflammatory, swallow, decongestant, swallow) parked myself in my green chair in the window, stared outside, and vowed to make this better. I will not be a part-time parent. I need to be with her as much as possible, and more importantly, if I may be so bold, she needs me.
Is the answer to move back to Calgary? Is it? I am absolutely filled with despair at the thought of it. It will definitely solve one problem – this horrid commute – but it doesn’t change child-sharing, and will open up new problems in its wake, and I, and more importantly, Piglet, love(s) the life I found here, and haven’t I said this all before, is this broken record never going to end? HOW are you still reading me, faithful friends; I admire (and appreciate) your loyalty.
I’m so good at finding all the questions to ask, and never being able to answer them. Not a great way to start the new year; this post isn’t a great way to start it either. Shouldn’t it be some sort of New Years & resolutions & reflections & optimistic hoohah? What a shite blogger I am, a total fraud. And I don’t have time to work on bettering that element of myself because being a good mother takes precedence; and on that note, I will – (deep breathe, set jaw, head high) climb onto the ever-annoying-cheerleading-New-Years wagon & make some sort of fresh-start/clean-slate/resolutions on how to figure this all out.
(Advice welcome. Encouraged. Requested. Demanded? Yes please. )
{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
I won’t give you advice because of everyone I’m not one to give it.
I will tell you though that you know in your heart and soul what the decision has to be (I don’t, but you do). I don’t know if it’s staying in Vancouver or coming back to Calgary but you are being pulled one way or another. Sit down and make a list of pros and cons, weigh out your options and make a choice. You will have to do this at some point because this is killing you – the back and forth and not knowing what’s best.
I am always here for you. We all are. My thoughts and prayers are all going out to you.
xoxoxoxo